So, at my last class at Valkyrie I was asked by Randy to change what I was doing.  I had intended to take the time to continue working on a particular flaw in my style – my tendency to launch attacks whenever I saw an opening, whether or not I am covered.

Randy asked me to change that and to speed up, to go full speed.  He noticed that I was running at a lower setting (as usual) and wanted me to go fast.
I resisted. I didn’t like doing it, but I did it and I grumbled a lot aftewards.  At first I thought it was because I had a plan that I wanted to work on.

Later on, I realised why…

I don’t play to win.  I almost never play to win – and it’s something I’ve done all my life.  I didn’t bother competing in the exams at school because I saw no point.  I don’t train to be the best or take part in tournaments to win…

Don’t get me wrong, if it’s serious I can get serious too – work and business being one of them.  Even there though, I never go all out (at least, not anymore).  It’s just when it’s not serious, I don’t play to win…

So training a natural advantage I have (speed) seems a bit strange.  Not only have I not trained it at all; in fact often training myself to fight slower and slower – but a part of me doesn’t see the point.  Why train to beat people by being faster than them when I know I am? Where’s the challenge in that?

The obvious point of course is that I’m not the best there is yet, I’m not even in the tippy top ranks of fighters. I’m good, but not great.  Still… a part of me always asks – why bother?  Why ‘win’ when the win is so easy?

I guess that’s the problem – I’ve never sen the point of winning for the sake of winning.  I’d rather fight / compete / play and enjoy the journey, working the harder parts for me and eking a win out that way rather than working the easiest parts, becoming super good at it and then winning.

I’m not sure this is the healthiest response – or even best, but it’s something I have to think about. further.